The Gilligan Incident
by Scriveneer
Summary: During an encounter with the Romulans' terrifying new weapon, the Enterprise is once again hurled into the past. With the help of seven stranded castaways they are able to return to their own time—only to discover they have brought with them one of the most destructive forces the galaxy has ever known.


STAR TREK

SEASON 4, EPISODE 1:

"THE GILLIGAN INCIDENT"

OPEN ON FEDERATION STARSHIP USS ENTERPRISE NCC-1701, ACCELERATING THROUGH SPACE TOWARDS CAMERA.

CAPTAIN KIRK (VO): Captain's log, Stardate 3118.6. We have been ordered to the Neutral Zone to investigate reports of a devastating new weapon developed by the Romulans. If true, it could affect the future of the entire galaxy… And quite possibly, its past as well.

CUT TO ENTERPRISE READY-ROOM. SEATED AT THE BRIEFING TABLE ARE MOST OF THE COMMAND CREW: KIRK, SPOCK, SCOTTY, UHURA AND MCCOY.

KIRK: Starfleet Command was quite clear. This may be the most important mission we have ever undertaken. Mr. Spock?

SPOCK: According to reports, the Romulans have developed a Time Displacement Ray. Anything caught in its path is sent a nanosecond backwards in time.

MCCOY: That doesn't sound very dangerous.

SPOCK: Doctor, imagine if you will: a copy of all your atoms suddenly superimposed upon themselves. A doubling up of electrons and atomic nuclei - all instantly forced to occupy the exact same space.

SCOTTY: Oh aye, that would create an atomic fusion reaction!

SPOCK: Precisely. Three weeks ago, sensors reported what can only be described as a micronova at the edge of the Neutral Zone, at coordinates where no star was known to exist.

UHURA: A "micro" nova, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK: Yes, a sudden, total conversion of a significant stellar mass into pure energy.

MCCOY: I think another word for that would be "explosion."

SCOTTY: But ye say there was nae star at the coordinates?

SPOCK: Correct, there was no star capable of going nova at that location. But those coordinates were not empty.

THE CREW LOOK AT EACH OTHER, CONFUSED.

KIRK: The coordinates were those of Federation Outpost Zeta-three. We have been unable to establish contact since the nova. We fear… the worst.

CUT TO THE PLANET EARTH: AN UNCHARTED DESERT ISLE. WE SEE A STRANDED CASTAWAY IN A WHITE HAT AND RED SHIRT HAULING DIRT OUT OF A CAVE ON A SLED MADE OF BAMBOO. HE'S GREETED BY A PORTLY OLDER MAN IN A BLUE SHIRT AND SHIP CAPTAIN'S HAT.

GILLIGAN: The digging's coming along real good, Skipper. Pretty soon there will be plenty of room for all of us in that cave.

SKIPPER: Good work, Gilligan. That cave will make a perfect emergency shelter if there are any more typhoons, or we get attacked by headhunters again. Little buddy, I really appreciate you digging in the dark.

GILLIGAN: You know, Skipper, there's actually plenty of light in there. There are all these pretty glowing rocks everywhere.

GILLIGAN HOLDS UP A CRYSTAL THE SIZE OF A POTATO. WE SEE THAT THE MOUND OF DIRT ON HIS SLED HAS DOZENS OF CRYSTALS MIXED THROUGHOUT IT.

SKIPPER: Let me see that, Gilligan. That sure is strange! I've never seen anything like these crystals before.

GILLIGAN: Golly, you don't think they could be diamonds, do you Skipper?

ENTER MR. AND MRS. HOWELL. MR. HOWELL IS DRINKING FROM A BAMBOO TUMBLER WITH AN UMBRELLA IN IT. MRS. HOWELL HOLDS A PARASOL MADE FROM PALM LEAVES.

MRS. HOWELL: Did I hear someone mention "diamonds?" I happen to be an expert.

SKIPPER: Gilligan found these crystals in the cave.

GILLIGAN (HANDING A CRYSTAL TO MRS HOWELL): Do you think they could be diamonds?

MRS. HOWELL: Well, I don't know. They seem heavier than diamonds.

MR. HOWELL: And I think they might be glowing, dear.

MRS. HOWELL DROPS THE CRYSTAL: Oh my!

GILLIGAN: We better go tell the Professor!

CUT BACK TO THE BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE. THE OFFICERS AND COMMAND CREW ARE AT THEIR POSTS.

SULU: Approaching Outpost Zeta-three, Captain.

KIRK: Steady as she goes, Mr. Sulu. Mr. Checkov, sensor readings?

CHECKOV: Nothing, sir. No structure, no wreckage. It's just… gone.

KIRK: Mr. Spock, scan for background radiation, sub-pace turbulence—anything that might indicate a recent fusion reaction.

SPOCK: Scanning…

SULU: Captain! Three Romulan Birds-of-Prey uncloaking at point three six mark five!

KIRK: Red alert! Battle stations. Shields up. Arm photon torpedoes. Phaser banks, lock on targets. Scotty, prepare for evasive maneuvers.

RED ALERT SOUNDS. THE AUXILLIARY BRIDGE CREW RUSHES TO BATTLE STATIONS.

CHECKOV: Sensors indicate energy buildup in the lead ship's weapons system, Captain. They're getting ready to fire.

KIRK: Sulu, hard to port!

THE CREW IS THROWN OFF BALANCE BY THE VIOLENT MANEUVER.

CUT TO EXTERIOR OF THE ENTERPRISE. WE SEE THE THREE ROMULAN SHIPS IN THE FOREGROUND. THE LEAD SHIP FIRES A BLUE RAY AT THE ENTERPRIZE. IT JUST BARELY MISSES.

CUT BACK TO ENTERPRISE BRIDGE.

SPOCK: That was extremely close. Our forward shield deflected it slightly. Shield is holding at eighty percent.

CHECKOV: The flanking ships are getting ready to fire again!

KIRK: Get us out of here! Mark five, warp factor two.

SULU: Aye aye, Captain!

THE CREWMEN SWAY AS THE SHIP RAPIDLY ACCELERATES. SUDDENLY THERE IS A HIGH PITCHED WHINING AND THE SOUND OF AN EXPLOSION. THE ENTIRE BRIDGE SHAKES FROM THE FORCE AND THE CREW IS THROWN VIOLENTLY ABOUT.

THE SCENE GOES BLACK.

FADE UP. WE ARE BACK ON THE DESERT ISLE. THE CASTAWAYS ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE IN THE PROFESSOR'S HUT. THE TABLE IS CLUTTERED WITH SCIENTIFIC EQUIPMENT—GLASS TEST TUBES, RETORTS ETC. BUT MUCH OF THE EQUIPMENT IS JURY-RIGGED OUT OF BAMBOO, SEASHELLS AND TIN CANS.

A PILE OF THE MYSTERIOUS CRYSTALS LAY STACKED ON THE TABLE. THE PROFESSOR EXAMINES ONE UNDER A MAGNIFYING GLASS.

GILLIGAN: What are they, Professor?

MARY ANN: Ooo, are they radioactive?

GINGER: I don't care if they are or not. A girl would look fabulous with a set of those for earrings.

PROFESSOR: No, they're not radioactive or dangerous. Gilligan, you've found dilithium crystals! A geological curiosity with no known practical utility, remarkable only for their propensity to emit a feeble luminescence.

GILLIGAN: Yeah, and they glow, too.

SKIPPER: Let's take these glowing di-whatchamacallit crystals and lay them out on the beach, and spell out SOS in ten-foot letters so a plane can spot them if they fly over during the night!

GILLIGAN: SOS? Why do we want to spell "sauce"? Why not spell out "soup"? And as long as we're asking for food, why not spell out "hamburger"? Boy, I'd love to get my hands on a nice, big, juicy hamburger…

SKIPPER: You idiot, SOS doesn't spell "sauce"! It stands for "Save Our Ship". It's the international distress signal!

GILLIGAN: Well okay, then how do you spell "sauce"?

SKIPPER: Why it's S… A… uh, S… O… Oh, I don't know, Gilligan. That doesn't matter! Now help me lay out these crystals!

GILLIGAN: Well, it would be easier if you knew how to spell "sauce".

CUT TO BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE. IT IS A SCENE OF CHAOS. SHAKEN CREWMEN ARE PICKING THEMSELVES UP AND RETURNING TO THEIR POSTS. EMERGENCY PERSONNEL ARE PUTTING OUT ELECTRICAL FIRES ON CONTROL PANELS.

UHURA: Damage reports coming in, Captain. Multiple injuries on all decks, but no reported fatalities.

KIRK: Spock, how are our shields holding?

SPOCK: Shields are completely gone, Captain. Warp drive inoperative. Phaser banks at sixty per cent.

KIRK: Mr. Sulu, location. Where are we? And where are those Romulans?

SULU: Scanning now, Captain.

KIRK (PUNCHING INTERCOM ON HIS CAPTAIN'S CHAIR): Scotty, get our main warp drive back online. That's an order.

SCOTTY (OVER INTERCOM): The warp core is gone, Captain. The dilithium crystals' internal matrix is completely fused! I can give you full impulse power but she'll maneuver like a tugboat.

KIRK: How long to repair it, Scotty?

SCOTTY (OVER INTERCOM): A full week at the nearest star base.

SULU: Captain, no sign of the Romulans.

KIRK: Well, that's something, at least. But they may be cloaked. Continue scanning. Mr. Checkov, plot a course for the nearest star system, full impulse power.

TURBOLIFT DOORS OPEN AND DOCTOR MCCOY ENTERS BRIDGE.

MCCOY: Jim, I've got a sickbay full of bruises and concussions but nothing worse than that. Just don't shake us up like that again.

SPOCK: Captain, apparently the Romulans fired their Time Displacement Ray at us as we initiated warp. Somehow the time reverberation in combination with the subspace warp acceleration threw us clear.

KIRK: But clear to where, Mr. Spock?

CHECKOV: Captain, we are already within a star system. Type G star, class M planet.

KIRK: Identify.

CHECKOV: Captain, it's… Earth.

UHURA: Oh no. Not again.

KIRK: What is it?

UHURA: There's nothing on normal Starfleet channels. But I'm picking up something on old-style radio and VHF frequencies.

KIRK: Put it on audio.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS OVER INTERCOM, ENDS WITH A FLOURISH.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: …and that was number three on this year's Billboard 100, "I Want To Go Back to Pago-Pago-Pago with You-You-You" by The Mosquitoes.

UHURA: That sounds like music from the mid-to-late 20th century.

KIRK: What did they call it? Stone and Twirl?

UHURA: Rock and Roll, I think.

MR. SPOCK (RAISING AN EYEBROW): Fascinating.

MCCOY: Damn it, Jim! How many times are we going to get thrown back in time to 1960s earth?

KIRK (PUNCHING INTERCOM): Scotty, we need to get those engines back online.

SCOTTY (ON INTERCOM): I'm doing all I can, Captain. But without dilithium crystals I'm afraid we're stuck here.

SPOCK: Captain, I'm picking up an energy source on the planet surface. It seems to be emanating from an island about 300 nautical miles southwest of Hawaii.

CUT TO THE TROPICAL JUNGLE OF THE DESERTED ISLE. THE SKIPPER IS SITTING ON ROCK, HOLDING A SMALL HATCHET AND MOPPING HIS BROW WITH A HANDKERCHIEF. GILLIGAN ENTERS.

GILLIGAN: I put out all those rocks down on the beach to spell out 'sauce' in real big letters, Skipper.

SKIPPER: That's "SOS" you nincompoop. Oh well, I'll have to check your spelling later. Now, help me chop down this palm tree. We're going to need logs to reinforce our shelter.

GILLIGAN: Sure thing, Skipper!

THE SKIPPER GIVES GILLIGAN THE HATCHET. GILLIGAN BEGINS CHOPPING.

GILLIGAN'S CHOPPING IS INTERRUPTED AS FOUR SHIMMERING SPARKLES SUDDENLY APPEAR IN A NEARBY CLEARING. GILLIGAN AND THE SKIPPER WATCH IN AMAZEMENT AS KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY AND A SECURITY GUARD TRANSPORT IN.

GILLIGAN: Hey look! That guy is wearing a red shirt, just like me!

THE PALM TREE THAT GILLIGAN HAS BEEN CHOPPING SUDDENLY CRACKS AND TOPPLES OVER ONTO THE SECURITY GUARD. MCCOY RUSHES OVER AND EXAMINES HIM.

MCCOY: He's dead, Jim.

KIRK (TO THE SKIPPER AND GILLIGAN): We come in peace. We mean you no harm.

SPOCK: We have picked up significant energy readings on the beach of this island, apparently arranged to spell SOS.

GILLIGAN: Golly, a real live alien! Sorry about the spelling. We don't really have any sauce.

KIRK: We are voyagers, stranded far from home.

GILLIGAN: Hey, how about that? So are we!

KIRK: Our ship is badly damaged. We need your help.

SKIPPER: Well, uh, sure. What can we do?

CUT TO THE ISLAND CLEARING AND THE CASTAWAYS' HUTS. THE ENTERPRISE LANDING PARTY AND CASTAWAYS ARE SEATED AROUND THE COMMUNAL TABLE.

GILLIGAN: Sure, there's lots of dilithium crystals in the caves. You mean you can use those old rocks?

SPOCK: Dilithium crystals are a vital controlling agent to the antimatter warp core of our ship's main engines.

PROFESSOR: Of course! The crystal lattice must produce a plasma envelope analogous to a piezoelectric field, operating at subatomic frequencies.

SPOCK: Precisely, Professor. Eddy currents are induced in the dilithium structure to control the antimatter flow.

GILLIGAN: Wow, Professor! I didn't know you could speak Martian!

SPOCK: Vulcan.

GILLIGAN: Maybe "Vul" can, but I sure can't.

SKIPPER: We can get you all the crystals you need! Just take us off this island!

KIRK: It's a deal.

CUT TO THE ENTERPRISE IN ORBIT ABOVE THE PLANET EARTH.

KIRK (VO): Captain's log, supplemental. We have collected a supply of dilithium crystals. Ship's repairs proceeding under the supervision of Chief Engineer Scott. We have beamed up the landing crew as well as the seven stranded castaways. Now, it's time to introduce them to the future. I've assigned ship's personnel to act as guides for each castaway.

CUT TO MR. SULU GIVING GILLIGAN A TOUR OF THE SHIP. THEY ENTER THE TRANSPORTER ROOM, MANNED BY MR. KYLE THE TRANSPORTER OPERATOR.

SULU: And here's the Transporter Room.

GILLIGAN: Sure, I remember. This is where you beamed us up.

SULU: Exactly. I thought you might like a closer look.

GILLIGAN: Yeah! I remember the guy just turned a few knobs like this…

KYLE: Hey! Wait!

GILLIGAN: …And then he tapped a few buttons, like this…

GILLIGAN CROSS-CIRCUITS THE MACHINERY. THE TRANSPORTER ERUPTS INTO SPARKS AND SMOKE. SULU AND KYLE GRAB EXTINGUISHERS AND PUT OUT THE ELECTRICAL FIRE.

SULU: Can you fix it, Kyle?

KYLE (EXAMINING THE CONTROL BOARD): No, she's shot. I'll need to do a complete rebuild of the circuits. In the meantime, I'll have to relay control remotely to the bridge.

GILLIGAN: Oops.

CUT TO GINGER AND THE SKIPPER WALKING DOWN A SHIP'S PASSAGE WAY. THE DOOR TO THE GYMNASIUM OPENS AND KIRK WALKS OUT. HIS SHIRT IS OFF AND HE HAS A TOWEL OVER HIS SHOULDERS.

GINGER (FLIRTATIOUSLY): Why Captain Kirk, you're a combination between Rock Hudson and Cary Grant.

KIRK: I don't quite get your references, Miss Grant, but I'll take that as a compliment! Oh, I beg your pardon. Is it Mrs. Grant? I take it this Cary Grant… he's your husband?

GINGER: Oh, I wish! But no. I'm completely… Available.

SKIPPER: Oh, c'mon Ginger. The Captain has more important things to do than chit chat about all the Hollywood leading men you know. The Enterprise is an amazing ship, Captain. A real beauty!

KIRK: Why, thank you, Skipper.

SKIPPER: Wish I'd had one like her when I was in the Navy. There's nothing like standing at the helm of your own ship, with the wind at your back, and the entire ocean in front of you.

KIRK: Here, here!

SKIPPER (QUOTING): "I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky… "

KIRK (PICKING UP THE LINE): "…And all I ask is a tall ship…"

KIRK AND SKIPPER (TOGETHER): "…and a star to steer her by!"

SKIPPER: I'm not big on poems, but I sure know that one!

KIRK: My favorite.

CUT TO SULU AND GILLIGAN IN THE TURBOLIFT. THE TURBOLIFT STOPS AT A DECK, AND LIEUTENANT UHURA GETS ON.

UHURA: Deck four.

THE TURBOLIFT RESUMES.

SULU: Hey, um, Uhura, can you take charge of Gilligan? I don't think I can handle any more, um, I mean, I've got to go back on duty!

UHURA: Sure, Sulu. Gilligan, come with me. Let me show you the Arboretum.

GILLIGAN: Ok!

CUT TO SHIP INTERIOR: THE MESS HALL. AT A TABLE IN THE CORNER WE SEE THE PROFESSOR AND MR. SPOCK PLAYING THREE-DIMENSIONAL CHESS. THE DOORS WHISK OPEN AND WE SEE MARY ANN ENTER, ESCORTED BY SCOTTY AND DR. MCCOY ON EACH ARM.

SCOTTY: Well now, lassie, if you're hungry you'll be wanting to try out the food replicator.

MCCOY: Just tell it what you want, anything at all, and it will make it for you.

MARY ANN: Just like that?

SCOTTY: Aye, just like that.

MARY ANN: Oh! Some apple pie, please. My Aunt Myrtle makes the best apple pie, and I haven't had any since we've been marooned.

THE FOOD REPLICATOR HUMS AND THE DOOR OPENS, REVEALING A SLICE OF PIE ON A PLATE, WITH A NAPKIN AND FORK NEXT TO IT. MARY ANN PICKS UP THE PLATE AND PLACE SETTING AND TAKES A BITE. SHE MAKES A FACE.

MARY ANN: Eww. That's not anything like Aunt Myrtle's apple pie!

MCCOY: Hmm, I'll admit the food replicators follow a pretty bland recipe.

SCOTTY: Maybe if you gave it specific instructions, lassie, it could do a wee bit better.

MARY ANN: Oh, good idea. Now let's see. Aunt Myrtle always started with three fresh eggs, two cups of sifted flour, ten ripe winesap apples, fresh churned butter…

CUT TO THE SHIP'S ARBORETUM. IT'S A GREENHOUSE FILLED WITH PLANT LIFE FROM MANY WORLDS. VARIOUS MEMBERS OF THE CREW WALK DOWN ITS PATHS, ENJOYING THE FOLIAGE AND FLOWERS.

THE DOORS WHISK OPEN AND GILLIGAN AND UHURA ENTER.

UHURA: And here's where the crew likes to go for fresh, unrecycled air and a bit of mother nature.

GILLIGAN: Wow, this place is beautiful! It reminds me of our island. Why, this place even has coconuts on bushes!

HE POINTS AT AN ALIEN PLANT WITH COCONUT-LIKE BULBS.

UHURA: Oh, that's not a…

GILLIGAN: We used to have to climb trees to get coconuts. But here you can just pick 'em, easy as coconut pie, like this—

HE REACHES OUT AND PICKS A COCONUT OFF A PLANT. THERE IS A LOUD WAIL AND THE PLANT INSTANTLY COLLAPSES.

UHURA: AAAhhhh! That was a Sirian Puppy Fern! You just ripped its brain off! You killed it!

GILLIGAN: Oops.

CUT BACK TO MARY ANN, DR. MCCOY AND SCOTTY SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE SHIP'S MESS. DR. MCCOY AND SCOTTY ARE CONTENTEDLY PATTING THEIR STOMACHS, EMPTY PLATES IN FRONT OF THEM.

MCCOY: Young lady, that was the best apple pie I ever had.

SCOTTY: Aye!

MCCOY: You know, Mary Ann, I have a nephew about your age. I'd love to introduce you two.

SCOTTY: Are ye sure he's good enough for her?

MCCOY: What's that supposed to mean? Why, he…

THE DOORS OPEN AND GILLIGAN AND YEOMAN JANIS RAND WALK IN.

GILLIGAN (TO YEOMAN RAND): Gee, it's a shame Lieutenant Uhura had to get back to her post. We were having a good time.

MARY ANN: Oh, Gilligan! You've got to try the food replicator! It can make you anything to eat. All you have to do is tell it what you want.

GILLIGAN: Really? Wow! Um, make me a vanilla float with peppermint sparkles. Make it the biggest ice cream float of all time!

IMMEDIATELY ALL THE REPLICATORS BEGIN EXTRUDING ICE CREAM. THE ICE CREAM OVERFLOWS AND BEGINS TO SPREAD ACROSS THE FLOOR.

YEOMAN RAND (PUNCHING WALL INTERCOM): Emergency! Yellow Alert! Evacuate deck eight immediately!

CUT TO SHIP'S READY-ROOM. WE SEE CHECKOV SHOWING THE HOWELLS HOW TO ACCESS THE COMPUTER.

MR. HOWELL: Mr. Checkov, we'd love to know if there is any news of us here in the future.

CHECKOV: Computer, search records for Thurston and Lovey Howell.

COMPUTER: Working. Earth history. Thurston Howell the third was a prominent 20th century millionaire who disappeared with his wife Lovey Howell during a storm in the Pacific Ocean.

CHECKOV: You were capitalist exploiters of the proletariat!

LOVEY: Well, we don't like to boast, but yes!

MR HOWELL: Young man, flattery isn't necessary. But it is appreciated. Here's a gratuity (HE HANDS CHECKOV A DOLLAR BILL).

COMPUTER: The Howell Fortune, based on Thurston Howell's checking account and various investments, has compounded interest for the last 230 years. It is now the largest known accumulation of personal assets in the Federation, exceeding the total economy of fifteen planetary systems.

MR. HOWELL: Did you hear that, Lovey? We're RICH! We're RICH!

LOVEY: Yes, but we're already rich.

MR. HOWELL: Yes, yes, you're right. I meant to say: We're even RICHER! We're even RICHER!

CUT TO THE SHIP'S BRIDGE. KIRK IS SITTING IN THE COMMAND CHAIR AND SPOCK STANDS NEARBY.

KIRK: So, has the ship's cafeteria been cleaned up yet?

SPOCK: Unfortunately not, Captain. In fact, the replicators are apparently jammed and continue to produce ice cream. Luckily, we have the deck evacuated and sealed off.

KIRK: Will the bulkheads be able to handle the buildup of all that ice cream?

SPOCK: This ship was constructed to tolerate the stresses of interstellar travel. In theory, it should be able to withstand the internal pressure.

KIRK: I hope you're right, Mr. Spock.

SPOCK: Captain, have you considered the possibility that our castaways are alien beings, with powerful telepathic abilities?

KIRK: I've noticed how the crew has taken a liking to all of them. Scotty and Bones are falling all over themselves escorting Mary Ann around the ship. She really has brought out their gallant, fatherly instincts.

SPOCK: And Ginger.

KIRK: Ah, yes. Ginger. I can't say that I'm completely unaffected by her, uh, charms. And I've noticed, Mr. Spock, that you and the Professor seem to have really hit it off.

SPOCK: Indeed, Captain. I must say that conversing with another individual of such elevated intellectual capacity is something I find immensely satisfying.

KIRK: Of course, the Howells won over the entire crew when they showed how to get the food replicators to produce beluga caviar and a very dry vodka martini with extra olives.

SPOCK: That was before Gilligan damaged the replicator interface.

KIRK: And I must say, having an old-school navy man like the Skipper aboard has proven to be an absolute pleasure… Why, Spock, you might be on to something! Maybe they are aliens using telepathy to influence our emotions!

SPOCK: Perhaps, Captain. And most troubling of all: Gilligan. Unbelievably ignorant. Destructively clumsy. And yet, many consider him the most endearing of them all.

KIRK: Exploration and contact with alien intelligences is our primary mission, Mr. Spock. I've never questioned that directive. Until now.

KIRK TAPS THE INTERCOM ON THE ARM OF HIS CHAIR.

KIRK: Scotty, how are those repairs coming?

SCOTTY (OVER INTERCOM): Dilithium crystals have been installed, Captain. She's all ready to go!

KIRK: Mr. Sulu, plot a course around the sun to seek out its magnetic attraction, then pull away at full power so the slingshot effect will propel us forward in time, to the neutral zone at the moment the Romulans attack.

SULU: Aye aye, captain. (TAPS A FEW BUTTONS) Course laid in, sir.

KIRK: Warp factor 3, Mr. Sulu.

SULU: Aye aye, captain.

TURBO LIFT OPENS, AND GILLIGAN AND THE SKIPPER STEP ONTO BRIDGE.

GILLIGAN: I told you Skipper, this isn't the way to the movie theater!

KIRK: Non-combatants get off the Bridge!

THE SHIP GOES INTO WARP AND EVERYONE IS THROWN ABOUT. GILLIGAN IN PARTICULAR BOUNCES WILDLY. HE COLLIDES WITH CAPTAIN KIRK, SLAMMING KIRK AGAINST THE NAVIGATION CONSOLE. KIRK IS KNOCKED OUT COLD.

MR. SPOCK STEPS FORWARD AND APPLIES THE VULCAN NECK PINCH TO GILLIGAN. GILLIGAN SLUMPS, UNCONSCIOUS.

SKIPPER: What did you do to my little buddy?

SPOCK: I had to incapacitate him, for the safety of this ship.

SULU: We made it! We're back in our own time period, right where we left, at the Neutral Zone.

UHURA: The Romulans are hailing us!

CHECKOV: Oh no! What do we do?

SKIPPER (JUMPING INTO THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR): Tell the Romulans we'll be there in a minute. Uh, tell them we're taking a shower and need to wash the shampoo out of our eyes.

SPOCK: Sir, this is hardly the…

SKIPPER: I'm the only other ship's captain aboard this vessel! Somebody's got to give the orders! Mr. Sulu, hard to port, full speed ahead!

SULU: Aye, aye, Captain… uh, Skipper.

CHECKOV: The Romulans are flanking us.

SKIPPER: Turn left. Now right! Now turn around!

SPOCK: Fascinating, these maneuvers are so random and unpredictable that the Romulans appear to be unable to track us.

SULU: But there's too many of them! They've got us surrounded!

GILLIGAN GROANS, RUBS HIS NECK AND GETS BACK UP.

SPOCK: Astonishing. Apparently, one cannot effectively render unconscious someone who is already barely conscious.

THE TURBO LIFT DOORS OPEN AND THE THE HOWELLS, GINGER, THE PROFESSOR AND MARY ANN WALK ONTO THE BRIDGE.

ROMULAN COMMANDER (ON THE CENTRAL VIEWSCREEN): Prepare to be boarded!

MRS HOWELL: Oh no, it simply won't do for you to just drop in unannounced! Why, we haven't sent out invitations yet! We'll have to hire a caterer. Set up a full-service wet bar by the swimming pool. Hire florists and musicians.

ROMULAN COMMANDER: Silence! Surrender or die!

MR. HOWELL: I must say. These Romulans must be Yale men!

GINGER: Let me try.

SHE WALKS SLINKILY TO THE CENTER OF THE BRIDGE, IN FRONT OF THE PROJECTION SCREEN.

GINGER: You, Romulan Commander. Me, Ginger.

THE ROMULAN BRIDGE CREW STARE WITHOUT REACTION.

GINGER (TRYING AGAIN): You're a big, strong, handsome Romulan. I'm a soft, defenseless Earth girl. I'm sure we could be really, really, really good friends. If you would just not shoot that mean Time Displacement Ray at us. Could you do that for Ginger? (BABY GIRL VOICE) You sweet wommy lommy Womulan Commander?

CUT BACK TO ROMULAN BRIDGE CREW. THEY APPEAR TO BE ENRAGED.

ROMULAN COMMANDER: You will die for this insult!

ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN, THE VIEW OF THE ROMULAN BRIDGE ABRUPTLY CUTS TO THE BIRD-OF-PREY AGAINST A BACKGROUND OF STARS.

UHURA: The Romulans have ceased transmission!

SULU: Their weapons systems are powering up!

GINGER: What happened?

SPOCK: In the Romulan language, "wommy lommy" translates as an anatomically impossible scatalogical practice on the part of their ancestors. It's the worst insult one can say to a Romulan.

GILLIGAN: Where's the "We surrender" button? Is it this one?

HE REACHES OUT AND PRESSES A RED BLINKING BUTTON ON THE NAVIGATION CONSOLE.

EVERYONE: No, Gilligan!

AN EXPLOSION ROCKS THE SHIP. THE CREW IS THROWN ABOUT THE BRIDGE.

KIRK (COMING TO): What was that? What's happening to my ship?

GILLIGAN: I don't know what it did, but that button seems to have been the right one.

CHECKOV: That button controlled the transporter.

SPOCK: The Romulans fired their Time Disruption Ray at us, but it apparently reflected off a huge mass of superfrozen vanilla ice cream—

GILLIGAN: With peppermint sparkles.

KIRK: Ice cream? Sparkles? Explain.

GILLIGAN: I'm sorry, Captain Kirk. I guess I must have accidentally transported a bunch of ice cream into space.

SPOCK: In the interstellar void, temperatures are typically at absolute zero. The mass of milk, cream, sugar and water…

GILLIGAN: With peppermint sparkles!

SPOCK: …Formed a highly reflective surface.

KIRK: And the Romulan Time Disruption Ray reflected off of it, bouncing back and destroying them. Their own weapon, turned against them!

SPOCK: Precisely.

KIRK: Such a simple counter-measure renders the new Romulan weapon totally ineffective! We can program reflective defensive shields to automatically deploy at the first sign of trouble!

SKIPPER: You did it, little buddy!

CUT TO SICK BAY. CAPTAIN KIRK IS LYING ON A BED WITH HIS HEAD BANDAGED. THE CASTAWAYS ARE VISITING HIM. THERE IS A SECURITY DETACHMENT GUARDING THE CASTAWAYS.

SKIPPER: You're sending us back?

MARY ANN (STAMPING HER FOOT): Oh, fooey. But why?

PROFESSOR: I understand. If we don't go back to the 20th century, it changes the past. If you change the past, you risk changing the future.

KIRK: Exactly. But that's only part of it. The Federation is an advanced interstellar civilization. We are dozens of planets with a fleet of starships at our command. We can withstand the Romulans and go toe-to-toe with the Klingon Empire. We're not afraid of the Melkotians of Theta Kiokis II, or the Kelvans of the Andromeda galaxy.

But the one thing we might not survive… is Gilligan.


End file.
